At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
