No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
one might say we're banned from that church
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
