I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
