Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
third nipple confirmed
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
