i always forget guys have bellybuttons
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
