Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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