She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I am naked and annoyed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
