At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
