my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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