I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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