Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize