good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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