At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
