Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
