singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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