How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
