i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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