I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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