Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize