And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
