I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
