I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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