Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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