Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
