Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
