Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
