Buhtt sex?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
