He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
