We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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