i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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