please come you make the beer taste better
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i drank out of a bidet.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
