i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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