I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
