she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
