I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
