kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
