i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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