What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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