so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
