I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Operation Purity has been aborted
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
