she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize