so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
