How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I am naked and annoyed.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
