So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The uberlube is also flammable
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
