you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
