I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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