I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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