Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
