Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
