Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
