I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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