she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How does one acquire holy water?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
