Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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