I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize