I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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