my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
