He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
