Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
