two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
