Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
